Home > Love, Refreshingly Honest, Women > Yearning for her

Yearning for her

Two nights ago, I was in Imerika’s kitchen sitting on the counter.  She was wearing my sweatshirt, giving me little glances out of the corner of her eye, giving me a kiss here and there, and all the while cooking herself a meal.  I stare at the ground and ponder my future decisions.

It’s something I have wanted to do for a long time, it’s my time to do it now, the thing is, it’s a special unit.  She knows about the program, I gave her some of the information, I told her I would giver her 100% of the information the entire way.  I have been taking physical tests and mental tests just to earn a contract for a tryout, which I started the process well before we even had been talking.  If I go, I will succeed, and it would be one of the greatest accomplishments I have ever achieved.   There is nothing funny about it, it’s a very serious and high risk position.

I look back up at her and I realize I have never felt like this for a woman in my entire life.  Even Asian girl, the girl I almost got engaged to.

I had no intentions of dating her and I’m still slapping my face at why I emailed her.  I just thought she seemed neat and I wanted to extend friendship and hell the walls came crushing in.  We met for coffee, I thought she was cute, smart, funny, we went out again, and I was smitten.  I still was hard as a rock forcing myself not to let her break me down.  I was avoiding her texts like the plague and I was trying to force myself not to give into her.

But here I am just watching her cook, watching the woman who I could really wake up next to and have insane conversations  with in bed, drink coffee, and read the newspaper every morning for the rest of my life.

She looks over at me and asks me what’s on my mind.  I tell her while she has her head nuzzled between my neck and shoulder.  She looks up at me and I can see in her eyes that she gets upset when I talk about leaving.  But in my eyes I’m doing it for her and I want to do it for everyone else who walks up and down the streets and even reads our blogs in the US.

If I go and if my time is to come up short and my picture appears somewhere in a headline, I did it for something I believe in, and for someone who I love.  I’m not afraid of that.  The only thing I’m afraid of is being 35,000 ft up in the air, kissing a picture of her and telling the picture I love you, tucking it back into the plastic pouch with the “Just in case letter” right before I jump for my next objective but I’m ready.

I want her to be my girl waiting for me to get back from deployment.  I want her to be the girl waiting for my calls.  I want her to be the girl I talk to on video chat.  I want her to be the girl that saves all the handwritten letters in a box and when I’m old and pass, our children can read them and know how I felt about her.  I want her to be the girl I take pictures with in my uniform.  I want her lips to be the last lips I kiss if something were to happen…

We move to the couch and cuddle up with one another like puzzle pieces that were meant to be together.  She bombards me with compatibility questions and we pretty much match each other hand in hand in the answers we want.

I stay up way past my bed time and go home.  I get up for work at 2:30am.  I only ended up getting 3 hours of sleep.  Since I met her I have had an empty pit in my stomach when I’m not around her and it hurts.  This is what I’m facing, constantly. While driving to work in the morning, the whole way there, I can’t stop thinking about her.  I stop to get coffee and over fill my cup thinking of her.  I get to work and try to focus on the tasks I need to get done and a coworker tells me I have been staring at a piece of paper for a few minutes and haven’t moved.  I flinch and realize it’s her on my mind again.

She’s the one I want to ride on this roller coaster with.  I haven’t wanted anything so bad in my entire life.

Written with a few tears,

-Betterment of Man

  1. jen
    February 24, 2010 at 4:45 am

    It’s really incredible to get both sides of a story…and for those sides match! I hope things work out for you, with your career and Erika…you can have everything if you want it and work hard enough!! Erika is a fabulous lady!! x

  2. February 24, 2010 at 6:18 am

    I’m with Jen, it’s so nice to hear both sides! Erika’s an awesome girl, you’re a lucky guy.
    I wanted to put something else about your service, her supporting you, etc but I just don’t know how to word it. So, I’ll just leave it at thanks for your service. I appreciate it!

  3. Cait
    February 24, 2010 at 6:33 am

    Oh god, now I’m kind of in love with you, too. Jeebus.

    I kid. Really, ditto the above comments. I’m really happy for you two. This seems to be one of those “Is this *real*?” fairy tales, and it kind of reaffirms my belief that sometimes good things happen to good people. I hope that things work out best for both of you, and that you are safe and successful in your chosen career path. You are exactly the kind of person who should be a role model for everyone around you.

  4. February 24, 2010 at 7:35 am

    I also ditto all of the above. You should be proud of yourself and your goals, and I’m positive you’ll find your way back here to her again!

  5. February 24, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Yes! Yes! Yes! And yay!

  6. February 24, 2010 at 9:51 am


    To: Betterment Of Man
    From: It Never Rains in Seattle

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, from the depths of all that I have, thank you for being willing to stand on the line to defend your love, your home, your country. You have my highest respect, and I appreciate that my freedom to succeed and fail, to speak and to be silent, owes a great deal to individuals like you.

    Oh, and regarding you and Erika? May we all be so lucky — and, yes, cursed — to feel such love. To be so alive. May you both live long, love long, and never break each others’ hearts.

  7. February 24, 2010 at 10:24 am

    I feel like I’m in the middle of a romantic comedy! You guys are the sweetest thing, my heart breaks for the challenges ahead of you, but also soars at all the love you so obviously already share. Good luck and THANK YOU for being such an incredible man.

  8. February 24, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Aw…this is so exciting! I can only imagine Imerika’s face when she read this 🙂

  9. February 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Aww, I’m speechless over here! This is such an awesome declaration of love!

    7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year, there are thousands of couples in the same predicament as you. And they get over it. Because they believe in the cause. (me? Not so much. But that’s a completely different issue..) Because they are both willing to sacrifice something for the greater good. You’ll get through it, I’m sure.

    I don’t know either of you that well (I’ve only recently become a follower of imerika and obviously you’re a new blogger), but I’m loving the story between you two! It’s like Disney stuff but in real life! 🙂 You two are just absolutely adorable!


  10. February 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Wow! This post has brought me to tears. It’s a compliment I swear. I hope that one day a man will feel this way about me.

    I am so happy for the both of you!

  11. citygirlblogs
    February 25, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    This post also brought tears to my eyes! I love reading both of your posts and seeing the same love and commitment. I hope that all you dream about comes to pass; it sounds like you (both) deserve it!

  12. March 4, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Awww…i’m just reading this just now. Such an honest post. Wish more guys could express their feelings like that!

  13. March 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Seriously….this is exactly the way that I want a man to feel about me. Is that too much to ask? This is the first time I have read this blog, so I don’t know if she posted, or if they are still together or what….but I am going to hope that they lived happily ever after, Amen.

  14. March 6, 2010 at 6:47 pm


  15. March 16, 2010 at 10:49 am

    This is gorgeous…I discovered your blog today just randomly, and you have a wonderful heart. I don’t really understand the military and how it works, but I hope you’re not deployed, and that you’re able to stay here and enjoy your blossoming relationship with Erika. But if you are, THANK YOU FOR SERVING in the way that you do.

    In any case, Love is grand, isn’t it? 🙂

  16. Kiyone
    April 12, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Love this post. I miss feeling this way. The last guy who made me feel this way cheated on me with an Asian girl (I’m Asian too. Isn’t that ironic?). Lmao. Congrats on your marriage!

  1. February 25, 2010 at 2:50 pm

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